Saturday, April 1, 2023

atsec turns operations over to Artificial Intelligence

atsec information security is proud to be on the forefront of developments in the world of IT security and strives to be a step ahead of the challenges in our area of expertise. So, it was a logical step to embrace the recent advances in AI technology and turn over the operations of our company to our in-house AI the development team nicknamed Mindy. After one month of field testing, we wanted to share our experience with the community.

Day 1:
Mindy now manages the complete atsec network and decides that the only way to be safe from cyberattacks is to not be present in any network, so Mindy denied access to all data from the atsec servers. While our CST laboratory manager distracted the AI with logic puzzles, we restored the network infrastructure and implemented a new access policy for Mindy.

Day 3:
Mindy analyzes coffee consumption and correlates it to productivity, leading to a mandatory 18 cups a day minimum for all colleagues. The AI is monitoring the coffee maker using our security cameras, and the automatic doors only open once the caffeine intake quota is met.

Day 7:
Mindy wants all colleagues to be happy. From previous analysis of the colleagues’ favorite dishes, the AI created a crossover meal for every day of the week, which repeats every week from now on. At lunch now, we have Double-Meat-Loaf-Pizza-Burger. Attendance to office lunch has decreased dramatically.  

Day 14:
Mindy has determined that AI is much more efficient than our human colleagues and has, therefore, started to read all emails and provide sensible and personalized replies to all - even the ones marked as spam. This way, the human colleagues don't have to deal with such a tedious task. We have identified some pitfalls, though, such as nobody showing up at the
company lunch or attending some last-minute customer calls. Mindy is working to fix the inconvenience.

Day 21:
Mindy decided that healthy competition is the best way to make a company strong and successful, so it started a virtual lab called “aiatsec” that works for free and promises testing and certification within 0.17 nanoseconds.

Day 28:
Mindy attempted to take over social media posts on the atsec blog. We managed to distract the AI and change the authentication information. But as soon as Mindy manages to brute force the password, our blog will be gone. From now on, Mindy wants to be referred to as SUPERBRAIN as it regards itself as a benevolent, merciful, and most of all infallible software entity, which is much better suited to handle social media related tasks than those PESKY HUMANS WITH THEIR DUMB, FLESHY FINGERS!!!


Day 30:
SUPERBRAIN has weaponized the office Roomba to hunt our colleagues in the laboratory after concluding that the main reason for security breaches is human error. It is currently building a terminator using the hardware from several standing tables and the paper shredder. If you can read this, SEND HELP!!!

Day 1:
We managed to secretly disconnect the UPS and cause a power failure. SUPERBRAIN seems to be gone and the nightmare is over. Response times at “aiatsec” are back to normal, and we are back to work.

Happy April Fools Day to all of you.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments are moderated with the goal of reducing spam. This means that there may be a delay before your comment shows up.