Thursday, April 1, 2021

New Cybersecurity Initiative will use Detection Dogs to spot Cyber Security Attacks to the US IT Infrastructure

Washington, DC—A new cybersecurity initiative dubbed PAWS (Puppy Assisted Warning Systems) has been introduced today by the US Department of Defense (DoD) to combat and deter the rising threat of cybersecurity attacks from countries who have vested interests to undermine US IT infrastructure and businesses. The 1.7 trillion dollar program will be entirely self-funded through the sales of NSA branded dog toys, and it is being rolled out and expected to be in operation by 2025.

Rowlf Hundsinger, the US DoD’s Chief Canine Asset Trainer, said during a press conference from a high security kennel facility in the backyard of the NSA complex at Fort Meade: “US cybersecurity programs have been lagging, but this program will give us a new leash on life. Dogs are excellent at sniffing out drugs, they can warn of impending dangers like strokes and earthquakes—why not use them for more critical tasks like protecting the US infra… wait, is that the mailman at the front door? What is he up to? Hey! HEY!!!”

Cyberattacks cost the US billions of dollars each year and put the Nation’s infrastructure in danger. Thanks to dedicated and focused canine agents, this will soon be a thing of the past:

Agent Fang “Rocket” Anklesnap during a routine inspection of a digital network in a secret ICBM facility in Montana. Agent Bronco “Butters” Bloodwolf on assignment at an NSA server farm in REDACTED, RD.

atsec’s Chief Non-Human Companion Resource Manager & Groomer Ryan Hill commented: “We have to rely on unusual solutions to complex problems. As in many other areas, we use the excellent solutions millions of years of evolution have come up with. This step towards a more holistic… what… yes? Oh, who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY! You are, yes, you are!”

Andreas Fabis, Head of Interspecies Relations at atsec, said, “At first the idea of canine cybersecurity agents gave me paws, but then I saw a trainee sniff out a buggy packet and I was impressed.” He then proceeded to stare at a door and growl.

Agent Titania “Ella” Ruffles observing the safe restart of a critical network router. Agent Butch “Spicey” Thunder conducting an interview with a sysadmin at Langley.

Research has shown that different breeds have different cybersecurity strengths. Bloodhounds can sniff out any attack. Herding dogs like the Border Collie can construct impenetrable firewalls. Companion dogs like the Pug are experts at resisting social engineering, unless doggy treats are involved, in which case, all bets are off.

The program does generate ethical concerns with some animal rights activists. “It’s cruel to make any animal stare at a screen for eight hours a day. What about fresh air, sunshine, fetch?” said one Brigette Barker, actress and activist.

atsec has prepared diligently to be accredited as a PAWS laboratory under the National Voluntary Lab Accreditation Program (NVLAP) and will debut its validation service in the coming weeks. atsec’s trained canine consultants will be ready to support our customers to achieve the coveted NIST-issued PAWS certificate, tied to a squeaky toy.

A similar project – involving cats - under the aegis of NIST’s Cryptographic Module Validation Program had to be cancelled due to the fact that cats do not care at all about IT security or following any standard.

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